Out of my comfort zone.

My article about my South Thailand community work trip went out last monday. And with all the comments i received, i am actually pleased that the article (though very informal as it was written) was accepted by readers. Even if its just a tiny population out of the whole Brunei and i may not have made news as the prince of the earth (Zek) had, but i am glad that i have atleast made an impact in someone's perspective by sharing my story and my thoughts.

A week in Yala, knowledge of a lifetime by myself.

I should make this my goal- inspire atleast someone in a month. That way, life won't be wasted wouldn't it? Hmm just too bad i am not made a leader. I'd like to think my self as that. I am made a traveller- born to wander, meet people, see places, to forget and be forgotten and play around. I am not one to commit myself entirely to a set of population or one matter just as many leader are doing. Take for instance Iswandy. His dedication to BDAC and youths- i salute but i will not follow.

I do not want to follow in any footsteps- i want to make my own. Maybe in a way less-inspiring or committed than most others but atleast i know that i have lived my life happily. Week 3 is ending and i hope i can achieve my goal this semester and have a great travel at the end of it. =D And i hope i can atleast help one of my student get a B in his olevels and the 4 others a passing mark. Trying really really hard to make biology an easy subject.

Salam.

"Sometimes silence can seem so loud"

When someone does something good, we dun take the time to compliment or praise him. but when that person does one mistake, everyone does their best to condemn him. Hmm and i think WE ate doing that often. so think.. is it wise to just say bad about something when u dunno the whole story?



I too am angry at UBD recent incident. And i am mad at my friends recent emotional battle. I am furious, because i realise that i have been such a bad person in the eyes of some people that they have ignored my existence. Its such a sad world. I know some people talk behind my back for long, or seem to be disgusted at me because i don't exactly fit the devoted muslim frame or that i don't meet their lifestyle. I guess the impression i made in their eyes has been filthy all these while. And i try to smile just like mr happy pills. It hurts to lie to yourself. I appreciate those who never did talk behind my back about me. Thank you. And you are so few. i know. We always talk behind others backs.


Even when we don't know the real story. Why? Because that person is more terrible than you.. so you have a comfort to say, i'm better than that person so its okay. But are you really any better than the person mentioned, when you have no shame to say you are better than him?Something they said in a Lestari activity that i remembered well: "You are not God? Who are you to decide?"


People can judge me in anyway they like. Though at times it does hurt a lot. i know i am a bad person. However, in the end, we still do not know how we are judged during the true judgment. Right? You do things which i don't see. I do things which you don't see. So we still do not know the whole story except God the Almighty. So think... is it wise.. to just say bad about something when you don't know the whole story?


Sometimes.. you just don't realise, people does the most things when they're silent. A prayer is most sincere when its not shown off loudly. We just have to learn how to respect.

I think this is the level where, a little help could reverse what might be irreversible.

I guess, when you don't turn up for a week or two, people tend to forget you. When you don't keep up your game, you are out of the league. and when you seem to be lost, they put you to blame. Is it really my choice or Is it that the meaning of friendship has changed? Amazing isn't it? How life goes... And i am not the only one who thinks so. Within a a few minutes of publishing this status on FB, people agrees.


hmm. on another note... i feel so mediocre. Still. I realise that other people know so much, they have gone so far or starting their engines to fly to greater heights and yet... i am still here. Still nothing special. Someone said, perfection is impossible, but when you aim for perfection you get excellence. I know, i know, i get that always- 'Don't think of it. you are overreacting.' But i can't help it. =( I want to be someone, who won't fade with time.I want to be someone who i can be proud of. But i can only be proud of, someone who everyone is proud of. Sigh. Let alone laying that eternal foundation, i haven't even started to look for a place to do so. In everything i do, i seem to get the feeling that i have done it terribly. Even what i say to people or my actions, i will think of it seconds after it has been done.


I guess, as time passes by, my seek for perfection seems to have gone from beyond average level to beyond healthy level. In a way its a good thing because no matter how much i have done, i still think its terrible when sometimes its not. In a way it's also a bad thing because no matter how much i have done, i still think its terrible when sometimes its not. You know what i mean? I don't blame you if you don't, because you'll only understand, if you experience it. No its not the i-have-done-badly, kind of thing. Most people would shed it off and say what's past is past though in their heart they are sad and down. it just more that that.


If its up to my choice, i would've picked a better feeling, don't you think?

I am not human enough.

I've been asking questions which most might think is silly and i keep on getting human nature and human instincts as an answer even from a lecturer. What i want to find was.... an answer which is not just human nature. But so someone told me that's beyond human capabilities or human limit to understand. Is it? or are we just lazy to push that limit?

I mean have you ever wonder if you should be called human being when the definition of humanity is

The quality of being humane; the kind feelings, dispositions, and sympathies of man; especially, a disposition to relieve persons or animals in distress, and to treat all creatures with kindness and tenderness

Are you human enough?

hmm. on another note. Human geography has nothing much to do with biological science but hmm i am enjoying it so much more than maths. yeah i failed again same as last year. and that'll need more effort. I still which i can change my minor to geography instead. And we are watching that charity match between AM gunners and Muara Ville. Haha honestly, i never watched football in any stadiums before. =p so this is a first. Esok kami practical bio =D haha its funny how we look forward to practicals but go stressed up with write ups. I know i don't want to blog. But i keep on looking forward to my other friends blogpost so i know my friends will feel the same too. =) salam.

Wish me marks for next week and the next week and the next week. (its our last three weeks before exams bah)

language is an important agent of propaganda.

Its funny. How people are trying to be the best of leaders. But in the process, talk badly about other people to someone else. And that someone else would agree in their mind, not knowing that, if this is a propaganda, they've fallen for it.

How low can the human mind go? To just swallow everything that people say. I am different from many. because if you talk behind my back to someone. I'll talk in front of you to everyone. That is how i work. I don't care what rank you are, we are all the same. And its funny how once we sound pissed of someone, everyone tries to provoke you even more (even when they don't realise it).

On another but related note, I've seen back stabbers in my life before. Someone i considered my close friend, back stabbed me, lost my dad. Someone mum considers bestfriend, backstabbed her, lost a family. Someone in work, back stabbed her again, lost a lot of commision. I was there to see it all. I was little to know it all. I do know too, that someone backstabbed my trust, but i can't say it.

but thanks to them, i know now, how to deal with life politics. Trust everyone. But never more than how much you trust yourself. Be very nice to eveyone who is nice to you. Treat terribly to anyone who treats you or your friend badly. I know i said not to speak about people behind backs. But i hate backstabbers. Once they backstabbed my friends. I'll back talk too. Remember, i treat terribly those who treat me or my friends badly.I am human. Yes, i am that shallow too. But hey, do you want to be backstabbed and lost everything you have to these people who have no sense of honesty.


This brings me to ass kisser. Ass kisser is such an outdated word no? I'd say dick sucker. Dick sucking is so not fair to those who stayed late at night doing their work. And to those who has the ability but its just that they prefer not to interact socially. Where is the honesty? I have no rights to whine about these things because real life is always about the honest people and the people who suck dicks and get all the good things.

We all are dirty politicians aren't we. I am fine with dick sucker as long as the don't affect me. but refer to the earlier paragraphs. Its just been what a few days? Now you say things to people. Or swallow everything they say. Backstabbed my friend. and many more.

If you have a problem regarding me being one of the top players, come to me and tell me why you don't think i should be one.

THINK before you speak. Look from all aspect. Do not be a box. Big words. But no meaning.

All words is copyright of Atiqah R.

Kembali ke pangkal jalan.

kepada orang di luar negeri. Si Tiqah mau POSKAD. And it should start with:

"Kepada Saudari yang di rindui,
Apa khabar saudari disana? Saya harap saudari baik baik saja. Saya sihat. Cuaca di sini......."


Like i said to two people, write it in a way that it'd make us meremang bulu dada (if ada pun bulu, mun nada bulu lain saja). It might sound a bit old fashioned and funny but hey... we all need to look back to where we start. When we are moving so fast- one step behind time, we should stop for a bit and try to recall where we started. For when you are lost, just go back to the start and start all over again. This was where we begin remember? Our malay teacher in primary schools would asked us to write a letter that starts like this and we would do funny sentences but with the upmost politeness.

Di mana silapnya kita? Apabila kita berlari pantas mengejar waktu, di manakah hilangnya rasa hormat dan kesopanan pada bahasa? Di manakah tertinggalnya jiwa yang mengenang budi?

It was right what they say: Sesat di hujung jalan, kembali kepangkal jalan. Just five minutes. Think about your past. Go back to basics once in a while. It'll be surprising to know that it'll surely bring a little bit of relief to someone.

Question/thoughts for the week: Can you really say a person is happy just with a smile? Or is happiness far than that. Perhaps for people smiling is just a manifestation of happiness. But how true is manifestations in proving what it needs to prove? It may fool you. So now, can you say a person is happy from a smile?

Now. Back to catching time. Works are falling from the sky more than rain does this month. SO salam.

Running out of breath (and patience)

Time is running faster than i could. I am running out of energy and breath catching time. At times, time passed me by while i passed out on my bed (with my baju kurung and UBD smell still on me) Things have happened during the past few days. I am seriously tired that some things get my nerves easily. I guess....i have not been updating much right? (i quote "kau jarang jua update" atau "si tiqah ya update once in a blue moon")

Before that i'd like to share a conversation we had with my kepal loves. ' Culture changes. So does human, in different culture. Human affects environment and human can be changed by environment. For us, we live in the same environment. Even when we progress, we are still the same'

'So the question is "who changes? Is it us or them?"'

Haha. I guess that question has prompted someone i know to NOT in anyway try to update himself with the people he care. I guess we all are human. And that leads to somthing he said "kau pun kan di update jarang update blog" So yeah. I didn't even have time to sleep apatah lagi update.

Btw. i just logged into facebook and i just knew i've got 41 assessments of me from my friends. And mostly says "outgoing" "energetic" "hyper"

they should've look at me now. I feel that i have been so antisocial. (don't include those slumber till late night and all sorts.) i just feel i've become so emo and bossy in school. So i guess i should shut up for a while. Later will post pictures. I am supposed to study ODE (maths) for today test. Yeah. i had test last week. Had presentation last week. had practical last week. Became another secretary on sunday. and test this week. handed in working paper on my international politics affecting MIB yesterday(which we got overboard with the number of words. i hope it'll be fine) and KCC activity again today. I'm joining pasal ada Dibah =p hehe.



I need tapai now.

Far from home.

Someone said to me once (more or less like this): You read what people don't read. I do. I am not quite the reader. I haven't even succeed in my attempt to finish twilight. I only read the things i find interesting. or when i have to understand something. My history book on something are not done with yet too.

But it takes only a bit of phrases of this one book to hook me instantly:
" The inability to find a way home, to return to the lost point of coherence and order, was ofcourse a well worked theme in the events surrounding the end of first world war, and its immediate aftermath, the time when yeats wrote the poem. 'Things fall apart. The centre cannot hold' (yeats)"- Featherstone.


Inable to find a way home? Lost. I guess. So i am not the only one who thinks when you're lost, you're weaker. And the bonds that tie human being together, are weak. I better find a way back home. I don't want to go home yet though. Because what is the point of going back home, to find that you are the only one there. but I guess, we all should find a way home, if you've strayed far from your starting point.


I like metaphors. Because people usually choose to listen to what they were told. Not what the moral of the story is. On another note. I just went to and from the airport twice just to get the cars. We lack drivers. My mom let my youngest brother and my younger brother to join my aunt and my cousins to Perth. but they'll have to return back home at a different date than my aunt. Hmm. It comes again.. -her way of teaching us to be independent. When you go on your own, you learn to take care of yourselves and others. And that was why she always allow me to go on our own to other countries- learning to bear responsibilities. For her, only when you put yourself in a situation where you have to be responsible, can you really learn how to take care of yourself and others. Only, in my time, i started way earlier when i was in lower secondary. And their's started late.


I don't like this all. Because there is no one now i could kacau and ngatil and marahi until next week. boring. mkin sunyi tia rumah berabis. On a brighter note, i shall be waiting patiently for a new adidas to add to my collection. I hope they could find something for me.

My brooch.

Its normal to feel bad when you can't find one or two of the crystals in your brooch. Or when it changes colour that its not as shiny as it used to be. As much as we want to protect it, use cutex or whatever to stick it, if you can't find it, you can't. You can't, if it doesn't want you to find it. No matter how much you try to not look at the brooch, no matter how much you try to ignore the lost pieces, you just can't really do so.



Because when you lost those tiny tiny parts parts, you lost the beauty of the whole thing.



Like life, you tend to lose yourself when you're losing the things that makes you, you. It just feels bad when you know nothing about everything- when people never told you stories you want to hear. But life goes on....buy a new brooch. Even when its not the same- or so they would say. And i would answer: even if you got a new brooch, can you totally forget the old one? Can life really go on?



Its funny how you would think that all i said is lost is related to things you assume i meant. Hmm. how shallow can the human mind go? Because i consider even the tiniest detail to be a part i treasure. Even the smallest of crystals.



...





Nevertheless. Life is good. Though university works, being scolded and practicals and all sucks life out of you, its actually quite fun. Life is good. Just lonely. My brothers are off to Perth with the cousins tonight.

Intention matters.

I planned to go to UBD to search for more materials for LC1512 in the after noon but instead i woke up at 3+ pm and thought "god, i wake up late again today", completely forgotten that the rest and i went to CDC again this morning to volunteer. CDC is Child Development Centre by the way. I'll post about this later again since guests would be arriving soon. And this afternoon sudah i sibuk sekajap tadi jadi bini-bini, ofcourse, i paksa sibuk jadi bini bini again tonight.

I want to post about something you should know of. Yesterday i found this on the net. Don't ask how i stumbled across the site, we are part of humanitarian group so... i like to look around lah.

here is a question someone posted:

I found out the child I am sponsoring is muslim. I Don't know what to do.?

I decided to sponsor a needy child thru Children Int'l. I wanted to since I was 18 & finally decided to hop on the internet & sponsor a child. I wanted an indian child. When you search you can see the child's first name. I skipped over the children with muslim first names (Mohammad, etc) Not only because I don't support muslims, but also because I wanted a hindu child, whose culture & religion facinates me. Anyway, I picked a child with a first name that I thought was hindu. They sent me his information & I found out he's muslim. (last name is Ahmed). Ouch.So now I feel like a heel if I disconnect from the sponsorship. I want to help a child. But I wanted him to be hindu, but def not muslim.....

The issue is not just that terrorists are muslim. It is also that muslim communities teach their children that women are worthless and in many cases not even given to opportunity to go to school. Wives are hidden are treated subservient. Many are killed through no fault of there own. It's a disgrace

Full Article can be found here.


...

I WAS SHOCKED. And deeply saddened by this fact. NOT because i am a muslim too but because this shows just how low people can be. This shows obvious and public discrimination. I do understand that some people have different perspective of religion and perhaps the 9/11 did quite an impact on Islam. And you and i, we all desireworld peace don't we? But how can we achieve this, when religion and race becomes a barrier to helping each other? Not all muslims are bad. Not all are good. Just like not all christians are bad. But not all are saint either no? Not all jewish are bad. But some had killed a lot of palestinians civilians. See? We all are in a balance here? Why should we see it as a religion vs another religion? Why not good vs bad?

Its funny how we all act this way when we are son and daughters of Adam and Eve.

We all have different beliefs but why should that stop you from helping the ones in need? Quite a few mentioned to me last time regarding the Palestinians donation drive. They said, jangantah dulu tolong orang lain, tolong orang Brunei dulu (the flood and landslide victims) When we have the ability to help our own people AND others, why not? Bruneians have been very generous in giving monetary aids. But can i ask, do you donate just because everyone else is doing so? Or you really want to help?

When your intention is purely to help, why does it matter who you help?

Intentions matters

Atiqah Rad.

Think about it. I shall post about CDC maybe later. Haha function's just started. And my cat is so kesian. One is gone. The other is lonely =( i feel sad. Salam

We all are good actors.

And i thought my thoughts were always in a mess. I never expect such a question from my dear BJ. What is true love? For me love is neither true nor false. Neither pure nor unpure as we like to say. Its always just love. For me to love is to give and not expect anything in return.

I mean, if you truly love someone, what can you ask for other than the person you love's happiness? For me, to love does not mean you have to be together. Life is unpredictable. Obstacles come along the way. You cannot force someone to love you nor could you change the script of your life to make it a forever-after like a fairy tale. Love is a feeling God has given each and everyone of us. We can love but its not like we can have each other. Sacrifice is necessary at times. But for me dear bj, death in the name of love is not corny. When you kill yourself for it, it is corny.

I shan't say more shall i. Nor should i touch on discrimination against homosex love because who am i to say. I am just a small creature in God's huge stage. When the audience cannot except such matter, i have no say to it. I guess we all are just good actors.

But i too shall hope for love- One that is willing to accept me for my weakness, one that will respect me as a lady and one that is willing to grow old with me for better or for worst.

I shall still wish you would remain lurus foreba.

~~~~

On another note, CDC again tommorow morning. Perhaps, a little work in the afternoon since the constitution is almost done. The house was cleaned since the day before. The stuffs were bought and prepared a few days earlier.

They're all set for tommorow night. It'll be a late night one.

Marhaban.



Cahaya.

We can't see but we don't see.

My cousin Lina posted this in her blog:

her random thought: "Why should the clothes one wears matter more than the person wearing them?"

My random answer: because while we claim can see, we don't see. Each and every one of us are blind men, blinded by faux beauty.

It has been that way long before we know it. And most people in our society are trying their best to wear the best that they forgot about trying to be a force of change in this perspective.


my answers can reach up to a thousand page (you know how i am best at talking and thinking random bullshits and unnecessary things when i am supposed to revise my math) but its early in the morning and i have Rookies special and hana kimi (i.e shun oguri) special to watch this morning before three classes straight. While doing that i am also revising.....my japanese =p Its been a while since i touched it i need to brush it up before i lose all those hiragana in my mind to le francais. Noticed i used a word which has a common synonym but instead i chose that...again, i have my reasons.. and try to think about that. =)

good day.salam.

ps- YES AMAL i have rookies special. Aniya is mine =p ahhahaha

Two choices.

This is a post for two days and you are given two choices- you can close this wondow and walk away or you can spend a few minutes stimulating your brain cells.

Nora Joe (who triggered my mind into thinking) asked, what are the sacrifices for anyway? When it comes to 'true' terror, there is no reason for killing. They just kill. But when terror hides itself behind the mask of the word 'jahid'... you've probably heard the phrase "no pain no gain". But in their sense, they take this phrase to another level. I guess they misinterpret it as "no blood no utopia". Even now, someone is probably suffering in this sick world. And we are just here...staring into the computer with a book on the desk and songs playing on yourtube and we can't do a thing about it but to change our mindset.

And there was a point on our last topic in geography "human is the only animal that pollutes"


My point of doing all these-news, povs and updates. Just sharing my thoughts with you. Like i said, i think about other things too much, NOT to stop you from being human because you can't. But to change your mindset. We are after all the same. We cannot blame everyone. And when i say we are the same, you an never deny that even you yourselves have that little dark side inside of you-hatred, jealousy, mischief etc. Everyone are born the same. We were born clean. What differs is where were born into. Environment is not dominant to us, neither are we dominant to the environment. The environment is shaped by us and we are shaped by our environment. Some of these terrorist were probably forced to a point of desperation in their lives that they gave up being nice as that might probably means being oppressed in their environment. Some politicians probably grew up wanting to change the world to a better place but so far have not done so well in it. Some people resort to surrender to their terrible side.

Perhaps that is why 'civilians' like us are born. When people found themselves lost in the wrong path, we are the symbol of hope. Have you ever think about it? Why do we have hatred and jealousy or many other dirty things in ourselves if the reason for living is to make the world a better place? I have my answers... for me...perhaps one of what we should do while living is to fight all these little dark desires.

And when disasters happen, some people resort to saying, "god is unfair" But is god unfair, when He has created you, given you senses, brain to think, nerves to feel pain and thumbs to hold? Perhaps that is why we have this little desires inside ourselves no? When God has done all the work for you, it is only sensible that now it is your turn to make your part. A work that sounds simple but it is not- try not to surrender to you inner dark side- don't complain when you don't have enough money. Don't steal when you don't have food to eat. etc etc. Its not so easy isn't it? Some might say, "is there even a God?" when all these happens. But if there is none, then who created you, or the prokaryotes or the eukaryotes from which you are made, or who gave you the nerve system that seems impossible to imitate.

You were given a a mouth and voice box and two choices- to say good things or bad. You were given a brain with two hemispheres and two choices- good intentions or bad intentions. You were given hands and two thumbs and two choices- to hold hands as a symbol of peace or to hold a gun and spill more blood.

Now if you were to be forced to desperation, which side will you choose?

Will be back after tommorows exam.

The story you have not told.

Have you read this post- the foundation? I've been thinking lately...that its okay to lie to others sometimes. But is it okay to lie to your own heart?

you're lying to your own heart and i can see it.
Its okay not to trust me but do you not trust yourself?

Let us share what is needed to be shared. Because i care for you a lot more than you think.

Saturday 21st Jun 08- Congress at ICC.

Before i post an explanation/respond blog to that particular (damn) blog =p, here's a post on last Saturday. The BHAVG reps were invited to attend this particular political congress. When Dibah mentioned about the congress, honestly i thought that we would actually be participating in it but it turns out that we were guests. This was our first time being in the opening ceremony of a political congress (though the sight of alat kebesaran kongres, the protocols, ayahanda-kekanda-anakanda-talk, the yelling and most importantly their thoughts freaks me out a lot) so like D said, it is an honor to be invited. I picked them up around 8 +AM then off to ICC for the opening ceremony.

The whole i dunno how many hours of listening to the speeches was interesting. Since i am no economics student, statistic doesn't bother me at all. And despite that, i wasn't at all surprise to listen to it. But what is interesting for me was their proposals which some i don't agree with especially the part where they proposed a raise in bla bla. If their mission is to help develop Brunei into a better Brunei, then why start with money? If we are to spoon people with a raise in money, Bruneians will take everything for granted even more. We have subsidise education, subsidise medical, subsidise oil and no tax...what more do we want? Macam some of their proposals in my opinion tends to lead to a road where bruneians would be more pampered.

But the pembangunan insaniah where they said in speech, 'kita tidak mahu rakyat negara menjadi seperti negara-negara maju yang lain yang mencapai status kemajuan yang begitu tinggi tetapi moral dan akhlak masyarakat nya runtuh, penghayatan dan jati diri negara semakin terhakis' that...i totally agree with .

The political part was interesting.. one don't get to see these kind of stuffs that often in Brunei but yeah since i'm an avid fan of reading Malaysian bloggers trashing their politicians, politics has become part of my daily read. Then again, if i was asked to participate or actually join, i have NO interest. I'd rather do my part in the society and do well than constantly think and debate that the government or the other side is not doing enough. Action is better than words so i'd rather be action than be words. And ideas are not the sama as words. Pedas kata-kata ku? I don't care. I stand by my words.

Anyway, there's the part where the whole speech (except for a few lines) were made in Malay when clearly foreign officials were invited. I realise their whole point for that is so that we can make use of our language more. I heard the ones at front say- 'Japanese, Chinese, Spain, France and many European countries appreciate their own language and prioritises it. Why can't we prioritise Malay too. If speaking english can make us develop fast, we'd already be developing on par with others'. Its true though. So yeah it seems like they want to make the point of prioritising malay thorugh their deep malay speech. i pity the oficials though. They should have been told to bring intepreters ka. During the break, we had a little chat with one of the AJK tertinggi. And after that went to the toilet just to avoid being seen 'excusing ourself'. =p Dibah wanted to buy some ingredients for her dim sum (kamuuu dibah pandai udahh) so we went to Giant. Macam gila giant tplang tani ani ah.

Then off to see the JIS art and design and technology exhibition. Their art student are really great. Love the arts. And love vaining even more. =p cuba liat ne 'jemputan khas' ah ni naah ulah abisdia. vain kan sorang2? =p



The arts. Meliat baju utk kami kawin nnti =p nada ba we were looking at Osveanne's piece. and the waterfall was some other student piece forgot her name but it was beautiful.

We were hungry so we went to Aminah Arif di Batu besurat.



The two pelahap ordered ambuyat set. I ordered pattaya and KERABU ayam. NYAMAN kerabunya banar.




ne naah kejadian nya lapas pelahap2 makan. =p si dibah n byl vaccum nya g tu ba kerabu a. hahaha ganas.

Typical bruneian habit-lapas bejaur makan. Lapas kanyang duduk diam balik. =p I like this pic. hehehe. Mcm nampak aku tu pemandu berhemah =p Bah outs. Salam

Ps- i realise that i have filled my blog with my deep thoughts and opinion. You are welcome to debate or say that its wrong but i will stand by my words. soo. i am copywriting everything i said in this blog. If you are to use any of it... you should atleast mention me. thank you.

The foundation.

Someone completely anonymous to me once asked me, "Do you think honesty is important in friendship?"

I paused for a second or two and during that second-or-two, those overflowing thoughts that i usually have in mind suddenly disappeared. My mind was completely blank. How can one answer such question? Which friend has not lied to another, be it for good or otherwise? I said yes. An answer just to make her stop questioning me further. Sadly, she did ask me more and all i could do was blurt crap. (this was not how i answered her but i wished i had..if i did i would hav gotten high marks for my oral. Damn it.)

For me, the foundation of friendship is trust. Trust that that person will always be there when you need them. Trust that they will not go against you or talk bad about you. Trust that the laughter you shared means more than anything in the world. And the foundation of trust is honesty. At some occasion, lying or hiding things may seem the best option. However, more often than not, we used this 'best-option' excuse to create a facade. A facade to hide your own insecurities. Or a facade to avoid negative consequences. When that facade is created, aren't you already betraying the foundation of trust?

Truth hurts just as much as the stab wounds of reality. Hence, we lie- to the people around us and most importantly to yourself. Imagine this. You have something that you keep to yourself because you knew it would hurt someone else so you keep things in the dark from that someone else. Turn the table around. Now its your friend that keep something to herself. Won't you feel better if you knew the truth? Even if a lie is the best option...are you going to continue doing so? When you betray honesty, you betray trust. When there is no foundation to friendship, where is the friendship?

If you're lost in a long road and you found a booth that offers you one thing to bring for your journey. There are two choices, you can only pick one. Between honesty and pretences, which would you pick?

Have you ever wonder why we do the things we did? Or think about consequesnces before the actions are done?

Often we try to find laughter by forgetting the littlest sorrows. And yet those little things are what makes life sparkle. We tend to look for solace in imagination. All because reality doesn't go how you want it to go. We try so hard to accomplish something, to find out at the end of the day it is ruin. We are always trying to be a better person. No one seem to acknowledge how unique each and everyone is. At other times we crave for justice, knowing that when manic mind and emotions are involved, nothing is ever just. We often avoid something that leaves a mark, thinking that it would be better in time. Perhaps, if you don't make initiative, it never will. We know that we can't control our emotions only our actions. And yet we make irrational actions.

What is it that one seek from the people around? Is it acceptance? Or self completion? Comfort? Or perhaps just plainly happiness? What we seek differs from each other. You deny you long for something from others. Maybe you won't even realise what it is that you long for. You make a mission out of life. To achieve your own written goal. Some can survive being themselves while trying. Others throw away their sense of self to achieve what they think is the right thing to do. What is the right thing to do anyway? Because one right might be a wrong for the opposite side.

A questionable path. I'm not the only one in it.

Ps- On jdrama,jap movie and manga marathon (oguri!) Late night sleep and strained eyes stimulated this mind to think.Being emo and sad over a manga (hint: it starts with N ends with O. Can't stop reading it now) .Serously sedih kalau kmu baca chapter 400,401 and 402. I never thought... ='( Can one really throw away his self just so someone he loves can be in peace?

Tersinggung.

This is random. The sentences are very random. To the people who knew who they are (or who might not.)








I really felt unappreciated. When you know i'm always there for you, you turn to someone else. Everyone else knew by text, only me in the dark.Its not like you cannot ask me to get you. Or drive you around like i always do.Funny how fun it is for you to drive everyone else but me.Funny how you try to tell me not to think about when you can almost see where this is going.Funny how months later i just knew about your family situation that made you down when i was there in another window when you told the other person. Funny how you don't have to be told to start the engine when other times your reluctant to touch the keys.Funny how you felt hurt when i was mad about something else.Funny how hard it is for people to reply to my text messages.Funny how i intend for me being mad that night to be shown but you kept it to yourself.Funny how happily you smiled or laughed when with somebody else but it seems like i'm just solely for one purpose- toy.Funny how much i dreaded being away and its something you don't even care.

It is as if i am forgotten. A ghost. And it hurts me to even stare at your eyes.


But i'm sure i'm just feeling selfish again. I hope i am.


Cuma tersinggung.

Scratched and editted.

Does it or will it make a difference if i just dissappear from your lives. I smiled and laughed but does it leave a colours in your lives?


Simple questions can sometimes disturb the mind don't they?

Beautiful pretences

My mind was all mixed up. I feel exhausted. Tired of what's going on.


So i wanted to drive. Alone. Fastly. 120km/hr or more through the highway.

Then, they tagged along. They gave me the scream of the week (or at least i gave them the scream of the week). I love speed. It kills all chaotic feelings. We gave ourselves a shock to the heart with T's roller coaster and that woke me up a bit.

They might just tagged along for fun. They might not know it but the long drive really relieved me. Because it reassured me that despite our beautiful pretences, i can still shout and scream and laugh as loud as i want with them.



Thank you.

Start my engine and drive. Far far away.