I want to but i don't want to. I don't want to but i want to.

He told me its a waste not to give a try. She told me i have nothing to lose so why not push it a little further. I stayed until morning drafting the letter because i decide to give it till the end.

And yet i spent the day lying down in bed. Bathed at around 5pm. Stayed for an hour or so under the shower. Thinking what i really want to do. My feelings are mixed. Well mixed and battered like flour and eggs. Its a battle within a battle within another battle. Its like standing in the middle of a balance. It equal. Which ever side i walk to, some things would be at advantage and some would be at a disadvantage. Some things.... i will probably lose, either side- just like falling while being in the middle of the balance.

I can't even listen to my own heart. Beats by beats i get lost in it. Every waking moment i think- am i ready to enter a new phase? Close my eyes, i am ready to start. Close my mouth, i am not ready to walk through the door. What do i want really? Maybe i'm just afraid of new stuffs. Things will happen. Our life isn't an act where we can rewrite the script. I am just afraid.

Entah ah. I just feel that... either side of the balance...it seems that i'll gain something but something will be lost.

What is this feeling- i don't even know. Its alot of things mixed in a bowl. Is it an instinct? I don't even know. I would like to know. But it scares me to know. I just hope... whichever path i will go, its the best for me. A paths towards better life. God knows better. Amin.