if you don't want me to leave, then don't push me away.

You. Thanks for everything, I owe you alot and probably i'm still going to annoy you for years ti come. I know i made you love this song. So this is for you. And everyone else yg suka this song psl drg dgr dri blog ku =p Awu i suka ini lagu. oh aku suka taylor swift the way i loved you jua hahaha



Lyrics

Baked with love.

Alangkah indahnya jika esok pagi...I woke up and he (whoever he is) baked me an apple pie and said, "baked with love". He, who understands me, supports me no matter what...inda paksa aku untuk masak, instead ya yg baking with love.

Alangkah bahagianya jika esok pagi jika dia, my lelaki idaman really exist.


To you. Thanks for listening what i had to let out yesterday. It was raining. But anyway. Thank you for terus mendengar angan2 ku pasal kehidupan and it all started with "alangkah bahagianya jika esok pagi.." I know panjang macam wayang and perhaps impossible, but manatau.. makbul tia ahahha Amin.I know its out of the world and not many people would even imagine about doing so. However, in between those hopelessly romantic fantasy and impossibly supportive and faithful man, who would follow me even to the coldest place on earth, you could see my true aspirations, what i really want to do in my life. Its big.... so big i don't even know if i can achieve some of it. So i hope you'd keep it with you until i can achieve what i angan2 for. There are somethings, i keep to myself. I guess those are the things that may change the way you see me but nevertheless, i am still here. I stayed. I hope others can see that.



Salam.

I know what i am apologising for.

I am sorry.






I think what you said just broke me to pieces. But nevertheless, i am still sorry for what i did if it hurts you.

Alfatihah to Yasmin Ahmad. .

What a heart breaking news. Yasmin Ahmad was in a coma state for about 2 days, after her stroke. She passed away last night.




Gone too soon. (July 1, 1958 - July 24, 2009)

I've been a fan of her..following her blog. One of the thing i loved about her movies is that she uses the element of silence to express more. Talentime was one of the most refreshing but perhaps, for me, mukhsin is the best. I salute her vision her wisdom- in everything she does, she respects humanity, regardless of how people are, what colour they are or what language they speak. If you recall her films, the family is constantly being mocked by their neighbour for living differently, but that family is always happy. They accept when their child is in love with people of another race. She even includes other religous culture in her films showing that she respects them. Her film always speaks one sentence- we are one family and God is almighty.

Despite the religous controversies in her films- all the pelakon berkamban, hugging and so on, the husband and wife cuddling each other and in one scene there was an imam holding a dog which she was criticize heavily for.. her blog always ends with "Allah is great" or "Alhamdulilah". Why do we keep judging people? I loved her because it doesn't matter what people think of her when they see her exterior, its the interior that shines the most.

I will remember what she visions for- a world without discriminations..where we should respect each other. I know i shouldn't be sad, but i am so sad. Because now, there is nothing to look forward to anymore. What a great loss it is indeed. I loved you Yasmin Ahmad.

I suppose, people who have done so much to make the world a better place...goes first. May you be amongst those loved by Allah. Amin

This is her blog btw- yasminthefilmmaker.blogspot.com yasminthestoryteller.blogspot.com (old one)

"And I cant,breathe without you, but i have to"

My fav Colbie caillat and taylor swift =DD nice!

BREATHE




lyrics:
I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
People are people,
And sometimes we change our minds.
But its killing me to see you go after all this time.

Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

Music starts playin like the end of a sad movie,
Its the kinda ending you dont really wanna see.
Cause its tragedy and itll only bring you down,
Now I dont know what to be without you around.

And we know its never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
Youre the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I cant,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people,
And sometimes it doesnt work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

And we know its never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
Youre the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I cant,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Its two a.m.
Feelin' like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know its not easy,
Easy for me.
Its two a.m.
Feelin like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know this aint easy,
Easy for me.

And we know its never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.

Ohhh

I cant,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Sorry (oh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry

Alangkah bahagianya jika esok pagi...

I woke up finding myself on a sailing ship. The sun rays hit my face as i went out. The sky was blue and the clouds seemed smiling at me. And at the far end or the ship..there's a guy, with tshirt and short pants on ( i would prefer if there is nothing on..but hey. that's just showing off). With a morning greet and a steamed fish that he cooked himself, i start my day. What happened during the rest of the day? well, it shall b spontaneous.. as we sail into the unknown waters.

Sasat jalan tapi bahagia =p



I like ships and water...if you notice. I really go love ships. Hehe. Someone told me when we were at the royal regalia, looking at ship models: you like freedom. I do. I like the feeling when we look into the waters, not knowing what's on the other side. I like the feeling when the breeze hits my face and the sky seemed to be the only roof i have.

wouldn't it be nice.. to just sail away?

"Sometimes silence can seem so loud"

When someone does something good, we dun take the time to compliment or praise him. but when that person does one mistake, everyone does their best to condemn him. Hmm and i think WE ate doing that often. so think.. is it wise to just say bad about something when u dunno the whole story?



I too am angry at UBD recent incident. And i am mad at my friends recent emotional battle. I am furious, because i realise that i have been such a bad person in the eyes of some people that they have ignored my existence. Its such a sad world. I know some people talk behind my back for long, or seem to be disgusted at me because i don't exactly fit the devoted muslim frame or that i don't meet their lifestyle. I guess the impression i made in their eyes has been filthy all these while. And i try to smile just like mr happy pills. It hurts to lie to yourself. I appreciate those who never did talk behind my back about me. Thank you. And you are so few. i know. We always talk behind others backs.


Even when we don't know the real story. Why? Because that person is more terrible than you.. so you have a comfort to say, i'm better than that person so its okay. But are you really any better than the person mentioned, when you have no shame to say you are better than him?Something they said in a Lestari activity that i remembered well: "You are not God? Who are you to decide?"


People can judge me in anyway they like. Though at times it does hurt a lot. i know i am a bad person. However, in the end, we still do not know how we are judged during the true judgment. Right? You do things which i don't see. I do things which you don't see. So we still do not know the whole story except God the Almighty. So think... is it wise.. to just say bad about something when you don't know the whole story?


Sometimes.. you just don't realise, people does the most things when they're silent. A prayer is most sincere when its not shown off loudly. We just have to learn how to respect.

suddenly, i feel like a biosci undergrad.

First of all, our tuesday will be "thursday tia"- thursday starts at 8am and ends at 6pm with NO break in between, if we have both practicals on the same week (yes, we have 2 practicals on thurday and a two hour long math class. between the practical session. Since, we have 4 biology courses next semester, it is expected that we have 4 practical sessions in a week (well that depends on how the practical will be conducted i.e once in two week or etc). Nevertheless, it still means we have a HELL lot of reports and practicals to do.

Hmm. Now i feel like a true biology student


Click on it.


My language class clashes lah. only one class plang saja but still i wonder if i have to change the language class since one class clashes with one of the bio class (i forgot the codes bah =p). Or maybe we only have 2 hours of language class per week and we can choose kali. Hopefully we can choose la, inda payah tukar language. i like learning languages. Despite the heavy schedule, i need a course that can keep me sane throughout the whole sem. hehe. and one of the math class (which is, amazingly, only one hour perweek) clashes jua! so i think that one have to drop. (i think that's the one yang kami capi2 kan ambil 2 math course in a sem supaya next sem inda payah ambil.)


I whined about holidays- nothing to do and all. Suddenly, the idea of having a rest is not so bad anymore.

I am free next week.

Have you read the borneo bulletin. Yeah the front page. You see... i plan to break the news when i got the tickets... Hmm. Mum was suppose to go to Jakarta on a business trip next week. (next few days i mean) and i was suppose to tag along. (cuci mata di kadai suping)

And yesterday mum told me the people in Jakarta called and postponed the trip because two hotels along the hotel we were suppose to stay was bombed. Hmm. Last time i went there (business trip jua), we were a few blocks from the bombed american embassy. There was still fragments and the security in our hotel was so tight. when we entered the hotel... we had to pass throught the scanners..the one macam in airports. awu masuk hotel pun catu. what happened noww?? inda lagi tight kah?? inda smpat ku makan makanan room service.

sigh. I've imagined already.... the shopping and all! the room service while mum is working (her office is just across the hotel). No..our supposed hotel wasn't marriot or ritz. it was the le meridien. near to the bombed sites. SALMON GRILL NYA NYAMAN BA. yeah i am still not over it. I guess mum too. Because she'd rather go now than kerja luar negri masa puasa.


On the bright side... thank god.


ps- i expressed interest in xinjiang before this too. (if you get what i mean) and india last time. why is it that everywhere i like... got bombed.

Happy Birthday HM

Its 15 july 2009.





Happyy Birthday HM. Moga panjang Umur selalu.

Kolo mee seringgit Hajma

Hmm. Being quarantined by my aunt isn't that bad after all. For three days straight, i have been well fed with my favourite kolo mee seringgit (dari kadai hajma) for my breakfast. I LIKE. Kolo mee itu ada masa pagi saja tu heheheheee.

I think this is the level where, a little help could reverse what might be irreversible.

I guess, when you don't turn up for a week or two, people tend to forget you. When you don't keep up your game, you are out of the league. and when you seem to be lost, they put you to blame. Is it really my choice or Is it that the meaning of friendship has changed? Amazing isn't it? How life goes... And i am not the only one who thinks so. Within a a few minutes of publishing this status on FB, people agrees.


hmm. on another note... i feel so mediocre. Still. I realise that other people know so much, they have gone so far or starting their engines to fly to greater heights and yet... i am still here. Still nothing special. Someone said, perfection is impossible, but when you aim for perfection you get excellence. I know, i know, i get that always- 'Don't think of it. you are overreacting.' But i can't help it. =( I want to be someone, who won't fade with time.I want to be someone who i can be proud of. But i can only be proud of, someone who everyone is proud of. Sigh. Let alone laying that eternal foundation, i haven't even started to look for a place to do so. In everything i do, i seem to get the feeling that i have done it terribly. Even what i say to people or my actions, i will think of it seconds after it has been done.


I guess, as time passes by, my seek for perfection seems to have gone from beyond average level to beyond healthy level. In a way its a good thing because no matter how much i have done, i still think its terrible when sometimes its not. In a way it's also a bad thing because no matter how much i have done, i still think its terrible when sometimes its not. You know what i mean? I don't blame you if you don't, because you'll only understand, if you experience it. No its not the i-have-done-badly, kind of thing. Most people would shed it off and say what's past is past though in their heart they are sad and down. it just more that that.


If its up to my choice, i would've picked a better feeling, don't you think?

Self quarantine.

My aunt has been nagging me (you know the usual aunt who lives with me. the one who nags us more than my mother does) about the self quarantine. As much as i am bored in the house, i have to show my face. If not i'll get my lunch lecture or afternoon lecture at the dining table hahaha. But yeah. I have been escaping especially at night, with mum. =p Mum has been trying to get me out every night while waiting for my brother from tuition. Do don't get me wrong...

I was just ask not to mingle around with friends for a week. I don't want to anyway. Because if anyone of you get sick, i am the one most likely to be blamed. And then we all got quarantined! Huhu. I must not be MOH-quarantined until the next two weeks, for some reason i cannot tell anyone now. This means that i might not be able to go for events. Sorry berabis. Loves.

Oh yeah. I am free next week starting TUESDAY. But i might not be the week after.

By air, by land, by water- Dunedin to Rotorua (and Auckland)

I've been listening to Gone to soon over and oba again. Wonderful song. Anyways,briefly- my flight took almost 10 hours from Brunei to Auckland. From Auckland, i took a domestic flight to Dunedin Via wellington. I stayed at Amal's and her house mates were very very friendly. The first three days, we woke up late and went around Dunedin visiting gardens, museums, streets (shops). The fourth day, we went to Larnach castle and Portobello- somewhere along the Otago peninsula.. Amal drove us. I liked the peninsula. Beautiful place, there was blue water every where!

Pictures could not be taken inside the castle. Hehe Di luar saja.

The next day we went by bus to Christchurch. I can't remember exactly, but i guess its around 6 hours by bus. It was late in the afternoon by the time we got there and shops were closing -except Starbucks =p

We stayed in a hostel.

Makan maggi. haha desperate. And yeah behind me is a bunk bed.

Anyway, the next day, we headed off to Wellington by train and ferry. From Christchurch to Picton, we took a train, but the train crashed into something or someone, delaying our journey, so halfway through the route, we used a bus. No one got hurt. Especially us. Haha. We were eating and drinking complimentary hot chocolate while complaining about the delay. The complimentary drinks were given because of the delay- they shut us up with hot chocolate. We missed our supposed ferry at picton and they retimed it. Sigh. If we didn't missed it we could see the beautiful waters. But we were rescheduled to take the night ferry. By the time we arrived at picton, it was around 3 + and the next ferry is at 6- plenty of time to go around a bit.

I really liked Picton. It is so serene- i feel so carefree, just like in Lancelin, WA. hehe Like i said, i have this thing for fishing village and water. It took 3 hours for the ferry (hey it was more like a cruise. Huge ferry) to reach wellington. We arrived late in the evening. Again we stayed at a backpackers or youth hostel or whatever you call it. Yea, that means we shared bathroom and toilet and kitchen with other people. We had the whole day to go around wellington, the next day, so we went to the waterfront, lambton quay (shopping place ;p) and Te Papa museum just for a bit. Btw, most of the museums, are FREE. Including their national museum =D

The largest squid ever found-collossal squid. Preserved at Te Papa. Haha cute. They say, it has eyes the size of a football.

The trip to Rotorua took 8 hours from Wellington, by bus. We had 2 full days in Rotorua. That's where we did a lot of crazy things

I like thermal village and Rotorua.

After all, we don't think. Just do it. Haha

From Rotorua, we headed back to Wellington for the night and the next day, the others took plane to Dunedin in the morning, while i took the plane to Auckland. The flight only took 1 hour so i had the whole afternoon to spend, ALONE, which is so boring. My flight was 3oclock in the morning the next day. Apparently, its easy to get to the city (mahal saja). Auckland in surprisingly, a city. Rupanya, according to mum, Auckland is the international gateway of NZ. I decided to go to the sky tower since, it was in the city. spend like 2 hours at the top, the view is nice and watching people jump from 192 m is exciting. Seriously, these people, they like adrenaline pumping activities.

Sky tower.

I ate and went back to the airport by 6pm. Basically, from 6pm till 3 subuh- i try to entertain myself and i ended up falling asleep until 1am. Baik jua tebangun. hehe.

I do want to go there again, because there's still lots of things we haven't done and seen. When you go to some place new, you'll just realize that there is so much to learn and you want to learn it all. When you don't have that much time to do so, you'll want to go there, again. When you see their mirror-like blue waters from above, you'd wish that you stay longer. However, there is just this funny feeling when you see the disgustingly brownish meandering river of Brunei- the feeling of relief that you're home. hmm. Do you get that too?

Thanks god for the wonderful things i saw and experience

Home.

I've been back home for a couple of days now. And i haven't adjust my sleeping time. The first day home, i woke up at 3pm because in NZ time, its morning already. The good thing is, now i wake up early everyday. I would say i really had fun in NZ and at some point it feels so sad to go home just because there's a lot of things i have yet to experience. For example exploring the whole Te Papa national museum in Wellington, or watch an Albatross in Dunedin, explore Christchurch more, water rafting or just stay longer in Rotorua. Unfortunately, my full days in those cities aren't as long as it seems. I only had 4 full days in Dunedin, One quarter of a day in Christchurch, one full day in wellington and two full days in wellington. The rest of the days were spent mostly on 6-8 hours journey from a place to another by bus, or train and ferry. Most of the time when we reached a place after a day in the bus (sleeping because we took traveling pills), its already dark. Nevertheless, there were a lot of things worth remembering and i feel blessed to have seen the places and things i've seen.

And i keep on reminding my self, that it is impossible to explore everything in only a day or two. So for the next time in New Zealand, god willing, i need to save up again. When a dish cost 10-13 dollars each, just imagine how much i have spent on food in NZ. i also spent quite a lot on tshirts. I told you i seldom buy clothes but when i do i buy the one i think i feel most comfortable in. Ofcourse, its cheap since its sale season. I wouldn't bother buying clothes that cost 20-30+ one unless i have no choice. But the thing is, its cheaper than in Brunei and the material are so comfortable, that i find it amusing. =p So amusing, that i accidentally exceed the baggage allowance of 20kg. i am confused though. because i have plans for next year for another very far place and it'd take more than a year to collect enough money just to go there. Naah. At this point, i am a bit broke and i don't know how it'll be enough just to go visit my friends at the other end (before i turn 21, my once-a-year-free ticket privilege ends when i turn 21). I guess we'll just see how it goes.

Its impossible to tell everything in one blog post but NZ is not a shopping haven. Surprisingly, when you compare NZ cities even to KL or Hongkong, they are more city-like than in NZ. So its not the skylines or the city buzz that we are after, the the beauty- the scenery, the culture and the people. Auckland was a city though. I particularly like Picton- its so serene like Lancelin, WA. I guess i just have a thing for quiet fishing village with LOTS of water where you could just swim in. And Rotorua too. I do want to go there again, honestly.

Next blog post, i'll tell briefly about the trip. Just briefly, haha psl there's a lot to tell, i can't remember them all.

Gone too soon.

Ofcourse lawa yg ori. hehe

Earth song

Found. Haha. i love this song a lot. I guess he's one who can just sing all those aaahh and oooh and still sounds good. and one comment said, he's done more than angelina or madonna and yet there were negativities surrounding him. So sad that it took his life for people to notice how much he's done. some other comments said, he is the only singer who sang for love ,children,and nature. Come to think of it.. its true.



Michael Jackson - Earth Song

Lyric:

What about sunrise?
What about rain?
What about all the things,
That you said we were to gain?
What about killing fields?
Is there a time?
What about all the things,
That you said was yours and mine?

Did you ever stop to notice,
All the blood we've shed before?
Did you ever stop to notice,
The crying Earth the weeping shores?

Aah............... Oo...........
Aah............... Oo...........

What have we done to the world?
Look what we've done.
What about all the peace,
That you pledge your only son?
What about flowering fields?
Is there a time?
What about all the dreams,
That you said was yours and mine?

Did you ever stop to notice,
All the children dead from war?
Did you ever stop to notice,
The crying Earth the weeping shores?

Aah............... Oo...........
Aah............... Oo...........

I used to dream.
I used to glance beyond the stars.
Now I don't know where we are.
Although I know we've drifted far.

Aah............... Oo...........
Aah............... Oo...........
Aah............... Oo...........
Aah............... Oo...........

Hey-yea!
What about yesterday?
What about the seas?
The heavens are falling down.
I can't even breathe!
What about apathy?
I can feel its wounds.
What about nature's worth?
It's our planet's womb!

What about animals?
We've turned kingdoms to dust,
What about elephants?
Have we lost their trust?
What about crying whales?
Ravaging the seas.
What about forest trails?
Burnt despite our pleas!

What about the holy land?
Torn apart by creed.
What about the common man?
Can't we set him free?
What about children dying?
Can't you hear them cry?
Where did we go wrong?
Someone tell me why!

What about baby boy?
What about the days?
What about all their joy?
What about the man?
What about the crying man?
What about Abraham?
What about death again?
Do we give a damn?!

Heal the world, he called, but have we listened?

Sigh. Almost cried watching this. I still loved Earth song though but i can't find it anywhere on the internet, even in youtube. and we are the world kali namanya. Thanks for the vid ben.

heal the world, he called. Have we listened?

Thank you MJ for the wonder you brought to the world.

After buying and weeping over MJ tribute magazines in Rotorua and wellington, strutting down the streets of Auckland and watched my favourite MJ video clip being played in one of the CD store..I realised i am still not over his passing. hmm. And i should have. MJ said he was one of the lonliest person in the world and he missed the part where everyone showed that we all love our king of pop.


And i keep on remeniscing how it felt like when i was a child, anticipating for Michael's performance in Jerudong Park- all the "mana kan michael jackson" while sitting on my dad's shoulder and the cheer that exploded when he sang. Years passed by and i have forgotten which songs were his..until i walked along the streets of Auckland, accidentally passing by a CD store that played a very familiar song to me- a song i knew the lyrics. And it was weird..because i forget lyrics so often. It was MJ's. Turns out that those songs i really liked, were his.


Yeah. I feel sad. Still. I cannot help it but the more i listen to his songs, the more i feel like we lost someone extraordinary. Rest in peace.

Back from Rotorua.

I just got back in welligton from rotorua.

We took the transcoastal train ride but our train crashed into something along the way but it was said that 'no one got hurt luckily'. Our ride was delayed and we reached picton late using a coach. We missed out VERY unferry-like ferry at picton. The ferry was more like a cruise and at night it just felt titanic-ish minus the jack dawson. But rotorua was hell lotsa fun. You can say we did crazy things in rotorua- all the adrenaline rush and the thermal bath in the rain.

And on my way to Wellington by the ferry, my mum called and told me that 5 of my cousins were quarantined. 2 went back home from brisbane but they were negative. their parents and siblings were positive. And thank god my mum didn't annoy me with all those wear your mask you'll get h1N1 things. My friends and i know what is happening in brunei- the H1N1 scare and all and it is fucking ridiculuous. Those people who died from it were suffering from other things when they caught it. And now a lot of fucking things were postpone just because of this scare. So i am fucking pissed. Paranoia will paralyse us you see. Everyone here agreed that people back there are ridiculously paranoid.

Just great.


I am at the end of my trip. Sadly. See ya.